WizDom-40

Dear Guru CT,

I'm single. My friends say the reason is because I'm intimidating, difficult to read and don't always know when a guy likes me so I treat everyone the same. I say it's because men don't approach me. Friends say that's because the men don't get the "vibe" from me that gives them the green light to approach me. I'm at a loss. I like being taken seriously but would also like to seem approachable and open. I think I've missed out on a few good men because of this. Whatchu think?  

Dear Tin Man’s boo aka “Teeenie Teenie”,

Thanks so much for your post. Now, I’m no Wiz, but “let me lubricate your mind”, because unlike young Mike and the Crows I believe “you can win”.  You offer a couple reasons here why you or others think you are single; some of these factors are within your control (say, coming off as intimidating), while others require the actions of others. I will handle each in turn. First, just because you are single, does not mean you don’t have the heart for it. Perhaps you just need to be a bit more flexible. It is clear that your core is solid (I mean, it’s tin after all!), and this will ultimately attract someone who takes you seriously. However, without some flexibility you may continue to feel “stuck”, and I don’t want that for you. Perhaps you can try and show that next special someone that he is more than a buddy. Perhaps you may have to approach a gentleman on occasion, that's a green light that would shine brighter than the Emerald City!

Now this does not mean the work is all of you. Tin man was chilling, he was found. Notice it was by two people who were lacking (or thought they were), just like you may feel lost. BUT, again, he was willing to take the journey, try a new path, and in the end….he realized he had what it took all along.

So, take heart my friend, time to go find your Lion…well maybe he should “be a lion” and find you…

Sincerely,

CT

Persistence of Memory

Dear Guru,

How can you distinguish a lack of TIME from a lack of INTEREST in a love life situation? How do you weed out the obligatory "I am/was busy" justifications from the genuine time constraints of a person with a hectic schedule? Hypothetically speaking, don't people make time for who and what is important to them?

Sincerely,

A Damsel in Distress  

Dearest Damsel,

Sorry for the delay in responding, but hoping I’m not too late to help out! So your rant about time vs. interest is a classic consideration, and you invoke an equally classic quote from Sir John Lubbock: “In truth, people can generally make time for what they choose to do; it is not really the time but the will that is lacking”. According to our good sir here, you would have you answer; the person in question is simply, to adapt the title of an interesting movie that dealt with some of these same issues, “just not that into you”. However, the great thing about people who are quoted as saying great things is, they often say OTHER great things. It turns out that Sir Lubbock also said the following: “Our duty is to believe that for which we have sufficient evidence, and to suspend our judgment when we have not.”  This equally sagacious counsel actually offers a more tempered (though possibly less satisfying) approach to your issue. It is here where I want to have us focus. My advice would be for you to take the approach of believing this person when they tell you about the all-nighter they have to pull or the late night at the office, based on what you know about the reality of that person’s schedule. The reality is that people lead very busy lives. At the same time, in the absence of such compelling evidence, you should not jump to the conclusion that they are definitely NOT interested. Suspend judgment, but do continue to search for evidence. This brings me to my final Sir Lubbock quote:  “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” Equally awesome, right! Find those moments—maybe it is a thoughtful gesture or a quick visit—moments that give you some indication that there is interest.  Pay attention to how they chose to make you a priority (or not) during instances of their own defined leisure time. This will give you some greater insight into where you stand, allowing you to make the informed judgment that ultimately feels comfortable for you.

I named this post “Persistence of Memory” after the famous painting by Dali, with the melting clocks. The picture itself has many interpretations, but one is the fluidity of time (hence the melting). Nevertheless, art history buffs often point to what is definite, certain, in that classic painting, namely the mountains in the background. My advice to you, find that “mountain” in your interactions with this romantic interest. The real that exists between the two of you even when time is not on your side.  Now perch yourself atop that mountain.  And if you find no mountain exists, then yes, it’s time to move on.

Distress no more,

Guru

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Meet The Parents?

Dear Guru, 

My boyfriend and I have been dating off/on for three years but have recently gotten quite serious in the past four months. Since it's a long distance relationship we hardly see each other and try to spend holidays together. Last year he came to visit me for a month and this year he wants me to visit him so I can meet his parents. I don't want to. I'm really nervous to meet his family and he's taking it quite personally erupting in nearly daily fights. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Not Ben Stiller

Not Ben,

While I understand your nervousness at meeting your beau's folks, I must point out some glaring items that have influenced my advice for you, the most important of which is reciprocity. I am not at liberty to hypothesize as to why your relationship has been off and on for so long; however what I do surmise are two things: one, your relationship is going good now, and two you are in a relationship wherein you should seize any opportunity to be in the physical presence of your significant other. Last year, he recognized this and made a sacrifice (coming from wherever) to be with you. This year, it’s only right that you exercise reciprocity, build on the great couple months that you have been having and go visit him. As for whether or not you should meet his family, I think that you should talk (not fight) to him about your reservations. Don't make him feel that the relationship is not worth meeting his parents, but rather explain any anxiety you may be experiencing, and see if you two can come to some compromise. Don't let misunderstanding and miscommunication ruin the progress you have been making. And who knows, his parents may fall in love with you, just as he has.

Happy Travels,

CT

One of A Kind

Dear Christopher Tracy,

Here is what I call the Casino Dilemma: As a young man in a relationship, it's like winning big at a casino. You're happy that you've won, but you wonder if you can win more. However, you know you could lose it all trying to find out. So what do you do?

Signed,

The One Armed Bandit 

Bandit,

I’ve never been to the Bellagio, but I do know a thing or two about gambling. Your issue raises an important paradox. People always insist that in order to find love and happiness we have to put ourselves out there, take risks (YES, gamble!). But once you have the veritable “good hand” who tells you to step away from the table? The truth is, just like the game Blackjack in which you are given the option to “stand” or “hit” (or even double down) there is always the option to forsake what you have for the exciting and unknown. But, I would advise that you take only a very calculated risk—You have already declared that your girl has you feeling like you’ve hit the jackpot. And while you may or may not have a Royal Flush (greatest love of all time), you have a Queen and that’s always a good start!

Nevertheless, if you feel that you have to roll the dice, or shop around as Smokey Robinson described it, don’t feel horrible. You are young and perhaps there is someone better out there for you. But you MUST be honest about this with your partner. Don’t give her your best poker face while you peruse the deck. Why? Simple--Cheaters never win.

I’ll leave you with a quote that may help you put your dilemma into perspective, “Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.”

Good Luck,

CT

The Look

Dear Christopher Tracy,

Ok...so...one day I happened to be browsing Facebook and noticed on the mini-feed on my homepage that some pics had been posted of my ex-boyfriend...so...I being my nosey self decide to take a look-see. I guess the pics were taken at some Halloween party since everyone was all dressed up. Anyways...as I’m clicking through the pics I notice that he is in a bunch of pics with this girl that he's apparently interested in (and that I now know that he's going out with)...she was sitting in his lap. Now that didn't bother me...but I stopped when I got to one particular pic...one in which someone was trying to put a wig on the girl's head while she sat in his lap...and u could see his face through the arms of the person putting the wig on her head...it was "the look" I’d seen several times before...the "oh my goodness...I love you soooo much...I’m sooo happy...blah blah blah...mush"... it's not that I want him back or that I’m still upset that we broke up...it's more that he found potentially "the one" (that he was in a new relationship that would potentially last for a decent amount of time...well at least longer than a couple of weeks). I mean...I started dating before him after we broke up...and I’ve been through a handful of guys...but nothing serious or real...and it really pisses me off! What’s wrong with me...am I not good enough...or are all the guys out there just asses who wanna get some?

Signed,

Tricked-Not-Treated

T-N-T,

Have you ever heard the song “Can’t Hurry Love”? It’s not only the first thing that came to mind upon hearing your story, but also serves as the basis for my advice. Love and finding that “one” is many a great thing, but a race it is not. Just because it seems that your ex may have found a good thing quickly does not mean that something is wrong with you. And the fact that you haven’t found a man who is looking for true commitment doesn’t lessen YOUR worth. Far too often (and really to no one’s fault) people who have recently gotten out of a relationship have amnesia about life before that relationship: meeting new people, analyzing compatibility, and yes, realizing that some people aren’t about more than the physical. But in T.I.M.E. and with optimism and self-confidence you will no doubt find yourself exchanging an enchanting glance with your Adonis, in awe of his real life Venus de Milo.

So don’t be in hurry to find your next serious relationship. And if you are truly over your ex, be happy for him; but don’t let his apparent happiness be the ruler against which you measure your own relationship growth. Stay positive and remember it’s about T rust, Intimacy, Maturity, Equity.

My treat,

CT