WizDom-40

Dear Guru CT,

I'm single. My friends say the reason is because I'm intimidating, difficult to read and don't always know when a guy likes me so I treat everyone the same. I say it's because men don't approach me. Friends say that's because the men don't get the "vibe" from me that gives them the green light to approach me. I'm at a loss. I like being taken seriously but would also like to seem approachable and open. I think I've missed out on a few good men because of this. Whatchu think?  

Dear Tin Man’s boo aka “Teeenie Teenie”,

Thanks so much for your post. Now, I’m no Wiz, but “let me lubricate your mind”, because unlike young Mike and the Crows I believe “you can win”.  You offer a couple reasons here why you or others think you are single; some of these factors are within your control (say, coming off as intimidating), while others require the actions of others. I will handle each in turn. First, just because you are single, does not mean you don’t have the heart for it. Perhaps you just need to be a bit more flexible. It is clear that your core is solid (I mean, it’s tin after all!), and this will ultimately attract someone who takes you seriously. However, without some flexibility you may continue to feel “stuck”, and I don’t want that for you. Perhaps you can try and show that next special someone that he is more than a buddy. Perhaps you may have to approach a gentleman on occasion, that's a green light that would shine brighter than the Emerald City!

Now this does not mean the work is all of you. Tin man was chilling, he was found. Notice it was by two people who were lacking (or thought they were), just like you may feel lost. BUT, again, he was willing to take the journey, try a new path, and in the end….he realized he had what it took all along.

So, take heart my friend, time to go find your Lion…well maybe he should “be a lion” and find you…

Sincerely,

CT

Persistence of Memory

Dear Guru,

How can you distinguish a lack of TIME from a lack of INTEREST in a love life situation? How do you weed out the obligatory "I am/was busy" justifications from the genuine time constraints of a person with a hectic schedule? Hypothetically speaking, don't people make time for who and what is important to them?

Sincerely,

A Damsel in Distress  

Dearest Damsel,

Sorry for the delay in responding, but hoping I’m not too late to help out! So your rant about time vs. interest is a classic consideration, and you invoke an equally classic quote from Sir John Lubbock: “In truth, people can generally make time for what they choose to do; it is not really the time but the will that is lacking”. According to our good sir here, you would have you answer; the person in question is simply, to adapt the title of an interesting movie that dealt with some of these same issues, “just not that into you”. However, the great thing about people who are quoted as saying great things is, they often say OTHER great things. It turns out that Sir Lubbock also said the following: “Our duty is to believe that for which we have sufficient evidence, and to suspend our judgment when we have not.”  This equally sagacious counsel actually offers a more tempered (though possibly less satisfying) approach to your issue. It is here where I want to have us focus. My advice would be for you to take the approach of believing this person when they tell you about the all-nighter they have to pull or the late night at the office, based on what you know about the reality of that person’s schedule. The reality is that people lead very busy lives. At the same time, in the absence of such compelling evidence, you should not jump to the conclusion that they are definitely NOT interested. Suspend judgment, but do continue to search for evidence. This brings me to my final Sir Lubbock quote:  “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” Equally awesome, right! Find those moments—maybe it is a thoughtful gesture or a quick visit—moments that give you some indication that there is interest.  Pay attention to how they chose to make you a priority (or not) during instances of their own defined leisure time. This will give you some greater insight into where you stand, allowing you to make the informed judgment that ultimately feels comfortable for you.

I named this post “Persistence of Memory” after the famous painting by Dali, with the melting clocks. The picture itself has many interpretations, but one is the fluidity of time (hence the melting). Nevertheless, art history buffs often point to what is definite, certain, in that classic painting, namely the mountains in the background. My advice to you, find that “mountain” in your interactions with this romantic interest. The real that exists between the two of you even when time is not on your side.  Now perch yourself atop that mountain.  And if you find no mountain exists, then yes, it’s time to move on.

Distress no more,

Guru

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